You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize