It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
