Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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