last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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