The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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