I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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