i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
