The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
