So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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