...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
