benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
