I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
