Don't make out with my wife yet
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
