Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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