I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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