it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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