It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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