I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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