i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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