i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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