I think im going to throw up on grandma
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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