Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
