I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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