Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
