I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
