My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
