hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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