People in love make me want to vomit
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
