Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my liver is dry heaving
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
