So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
