dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
