I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
