I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
