im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
