I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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