8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
