Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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