mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize