so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
