Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
