I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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