I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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