I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
