It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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