god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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