You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
