1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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