Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
