Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
either way he was missing a nipple.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
