if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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