Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
