Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
