I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
