the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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