Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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